This isn’t a real post. This is Christmas break. This is Christmas break, and this is how it’s going, in three small bits…
A) We had a lovely Christmas. Truly magical. Really rad. Totally awesome. We baked. We wrapped. We cleaned. We unwrapped. We made majestic messes. We were kind to each other just as long as we could stand to be, and now we’re done with all this Quality Family Time.
Done ditty done done done.
We’ve peaked. For sure. It’s all downhill from here, man.
Oh, sure, we may have a surge or two; a nice family meal where no one makes retching sounds because “GAG, Mom; you know I HATE cheese sauce,” but by and large it’s all puking noises from here on out, and running straws from our lips to our armpits to make farting noises in our sisters’ faces, and punching our brothers in the nuts because they wrecked Minecraft AGAIN and that totally deserves a good nut-punch.
Even our kid whose sullen communication is more subtle these days has made her feelings known.
Yep — that’s every single stocking turned around backwards except hers.
I asked her why, and she said, “I guess that’s Santa’s way of saying he hates everyone except me.” Then she shrugged her What Are You Gonna Do? shrug and brushed her hands together in the universal Pontius Pilate I Wash My Hands of You sign and sauntered off. Probably to light someone on fire.
B) I am pathologically incapable of not commenting when my kids use up all the toilet paper and don’t replace the roll.
I tried to not comment yesterday when it happened again.
I did. I really tried.
I sat there staring at the empty cardboard tube and the full roll someone had helpfully plopped on the wet counter 4 inches from the empty roll, and I tried to simply replace the roll myself and say nothing.
Saying nothing lasted 12 seconds.
It was like trying to cap a hose.
I tried, but then my words sprayed all over.
“This only takes seconds, you guys!” I hollered coming out of the bathroom and raising the toilet paper over my head like the Scepter of Motherhood. “Seconds. SECONDS.”
They all ignored me because they were playing Minecraft and punching each other in the nuts. That’s OK, though; being ignored and watching nut-punching rarely shuts me up. I soldiered on.
“Did I mention that it takes seconds? Because I timed myself, and I can put a new roll on in FOUR. FOUR SECONDS! Why do you not do this?” I cried, “WHY? It take NO time out of your day. It’s SO Not a Big Deal. WHY?”
One of the nut-punchers piped up and said, “Obviously it is a big deal, Mom, or you’d just do it and not complain about it so much.”
GAaaahhHHH. I just HATE it when my kids are right.
C) We did family photos.
There we were, all dressed up for the first family photos we’ve taken in 6 years. It’s been SIX YEARS since we last got our poo together enough for group pictures, folks, and we were, I kid you not, clean and groomed, and we even smelled OK, but my youngest had that terrible, fake smile plastered on his face. You know the one that elementary school kids do that looks like they’re half way between a vicious sneeze and losing their breakfast? That’s the one.
The photographer, bless her kind, Christian heart, asked my kid to think of something that makes him laugh. He lit up, and his eyes sparkled, and he said, “You know what always makes me laugh? Like, every single time? Thinking about that time my mom got mad in the car and yelled, ‘You have got to be fucking kidding me!’”
So, yeah. We’ve got a week to go before school resumes, and you can pray for us.
P.S. Are you on break? How’s it going? How are everyone’s nuts?