I’m so excited to introduce you to Isabelle, the newest member of our family.
Isabelle is a Kenyan Sand Boa who enjoys snuggling and long walks on the beach. She’s really a darling. Also, she might be a boy, but whatever.
Of course, naming Isabelle proved to be a HUGE challenge.
Greg wanted to name her “If you even think about putting her in our bedroom, I’m moving out,” and “no, seriously; I’m moving out,” and “of the house,” and “what part of I’m leaving you is hard to understand?” but I thought those were unwieldy names for a baby snake. Greg’s not very good at this.
I wanted to name her Fluffy, but my 1st graders thought that was the stupidest snake name ever, so I told them they were the stupidest ever. No, I didn’t. OK; yes, I did, but I assessed ahead of time that they’d understand I was kidding and would find it funny rather than hurtful, and I was right, so HA! Unfortunately, I failed to fully understand the implications of handing 1st grade boys the “Oh yeah? Well, you’re the stupidest ever” weapon, but my boys are driving the point home, one stupid sword thrust at a time, so if it offends you that I’d say such a thing to 7 year olds, you can go ahead and smuggly congratulate yourself on the natural consequences being heaped upon my stupid head.
The 7 year olds wanted to name her Radioactive or Sunshine.
The 12 year old cried because Isabelle isn’t a unicorn.
The 14 year old was sad because he still misses his fish. The one who died 4 years ago. Which is why, he explained to me, he was unable to finish his laundry room chores last night. The grief was just too much.
The 15 year old said she’s moving out with her father.
Having a new family member is an emotional adjustment.
Our friends suggested we name Isabelle Satan, Lucifer, or Beelzebub. Or Bob. Or Trouser or Inthegrass. Or Houdini.
My cousin Leslie started a pool so the extended family can bet on how long it’ll take before we lose her or she escapes.
Obviously, my 1st graders and I are scheduling interviews for new friends and family. Please feel free to apply below by answering any or all of the following questions:
1. What’s your tolerance for weirdos? (psst… High, Very High or Extremely High are all acceptable answers)
2. How do you feel about super sweet, darling, snuggly snakes?
3. Would you ever call your mama a stupidhead? What if she started it and she was, in fact, being a stupidhead?
Thank you for your time.