Today, my parents brought over evidence that I missed my vocational calling as an artist.
This is a card I made in 1984, when I was 11 years old:
Because nothing says “Happy B-day, Mommy” like a frowning man in a dress with I HOPE in all caps underlined 6 times.
Can I get an Amen?
My dad says this is my first attempt at blogging. I say this is proof you really shouldn’t keep all the things your children make.
Or maybe you should. Your call.
I showed this card to Abby, my 12-year-old. I expected a lot from her reaction.
- Maybe some questions about cross-dressing.
- Maybe a commentary on my mad fashion skills. After all, the 80’s are back, baby! Anyone want a drop-waist, belted, black and pink polka-dotted mini-dress? Like, totally!
- Or she might wonder why I would feel compelled to draw boob lines. Answer: I had no tact, even as a child.
But no. Abby’s burning question was, “You had markers back then?”
Um, yeah. Yeah, we did, Abby. Somehow, between building a Great Wall, naming my calendar Julian, and discovering the West Indies, I still found time to color with Crayola markers. ‘Cause that’s just the way we ancient historical characters roll.
No one can stick the old vibe to you faster than your kids.
But I digress.
If you’re wondering what’s written on the inside of the special card, I’m not telling.
It’ll be way more fun (for me) if you write an inside-the-card message that attempts to explain what in the world I was thinking when I created this masterpiece.
Have you always wanted to write for Hallmark but never had the chance? This is it! (I’m certain Hallmark will pick this up, so you’ll be on their writer list for sure after this.)
The writer of the best inside-the-card message will receive a signed reproduction, hand-drawn by yours truly in historically accurate marker. I’ll leave all the text to you so you can personalize and use it however you wish. After all, your Mommy might not have a birthday coming up soon. (Fine. I know you can just copy the picture yourself onto cardstock, but did you miss the part where I said “signed?”)
Please send your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org (or post ’em to the comments, if you prefer) by Friday, February 18th. I’ll post our winner on Saturday, February 19th.
On your marker. Get set. Go!